Rules of a Poetry Reading

I have been trying out this new thing- Poetry Readings. Well it is new to me, and I have had two simultaneous experiences- a respect and awe for fantastic writing, and the feeling of unrelenting pressure in my bladder.

I think I am just not hip nor cool enough for these beatnik-esque performances. After attending one this weekend, I decided I need to create a list of unwritten, yet important rules for those ignorant to workings of these sessions of emotional catharsis.

1. My experience prior to my recent leap into this literary form of performance art were two important sources- Douglas Adams Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and the movie So I Married an Ax Murderer.

Here is what you need to know about Adams treatment of the subject:

"Vogon poetry is, of course, the third worst in the universe. The second worst is that of the Azgoths of Kria. During a recitation by their poet master Grunthos the Flatulent of his poem "Ode to a Small Lump of Green Putty I Found in My Armpit One Midsummer Morning", four of the audience members died of internal hemorrhaging and the president of the Mid-Galactic Arts Nobbling Council survived only by gnawing one of his own legs off. Grunthos was reported to have been "disappointed" by the poem's reception, and was about to embark on a reading of his 12-book epic entitled "My Favourite Bathtime Gurgles" when his own large intestine - in a desperate attempt to save life itself - leapt straight up through his neck and throttled his brain. The very worst poetry of all perished along with its creator, Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings of Sussex, in the destruction of the planet Earth. Vogon poetry is mild by comparison."

In my mind I compare what I am hearing to Vogon poetry, and unfortunately, much of what I hear does not pass this simple test. 

As to the Ax Murderer reference, I keep looking for the small jazz trio to be playing to the rhythm of the alliteration. I have been eternally disappointed. 

Woman, Whooooooaman 

https://youtu.be/Qae03boj7lU

Are these depictions of poetry readings fair? Yes.. yes they are.

2. Pee before you sit.  Many of these readings have libations- beer, coffee, and cider mimosas. What they don't tell you is that you need a catheter and bag strapped to your leg, because once the fun starts, you're screwed. You can't move, you can't breath, and for sure you can't get up and leave. You are packed in like sardines and you get these stares, mostly from the reader, because everyone else has their eyes closed as if in prayer, or a coma. Pee or be good at holding it. Don't be that person he gets up and has to crawl over those bodies.

3. Learn to close your eyes. There are apparently a couple ways you experience poetry. One is the blissful closed eyed I drank the Kool Aide look. Apparently you cannot experience poetry with your eyes. You must shut down all of your other senses, and go into a comatose state and experience it in your soul. I am still practicing this, however I am too paranoid that someone might slip something into my coffee or sip from my 12 dollar beer.

The second way to experience a poetry reading is to pick a spot on the wall or ceiling, and have the appearance of someone that suddenly passed away from an unexpected aneurysm. This makes sense considering the poetry could actually cause this to happen- refer back to rule 1. You have to have a vacant stare, and if you really want to show the love to the poet, allow some drool to dribble from your chin. It is the highest praise.

4. Don't cough, or sneeze and keep your breathing shallow. These are poetry readings not hospital emergency waiting rooms. Suppress that cough until they look up. You have to wait until the poet looks up because you will have no other indication that they are done.

BEWARE--- BEWARE-- SPECIAL MESSAGE

Be careful that the poem is not a collection of seemingly random collections of smaller poems. If the poet looks up, it could mean they have just finished part one in a eighty part series of poems. Nothing worse then letting go of a explosive cough or passing wind, during a pause. There will be no applause to cover it up. Just you making commentary through flatulence. It happen to me twice and I felt there needed to be a jar I had to place a 5 spot in as a penalty. Like some literary form of Simon says.

5. Know what to wear. This is so very, very important. You want to blend in. Find some old clothes with bright colors and patches. Except the patches should not cover the holes in your pants. Find shows your grandfather wore in the war. This goes for you ladies too. Cover your clothes with as many meme and politically charged pins as you can. Make sure nothing matches. And guys, you have to have a hat. No baseball caps allowed. You must shop at a second hand clothes store for one.

6. Booing for bad poetry is not allowed. Yeah I learned that one quick.

7. Clapping is encouraged, but snapping and leg slapping is also encouraged. Remember this is all art and expression. It is all brilliant.

8. Be ready to chip in when the plate is passed. No this is not a church donation plate, this is gas money for the poets to get home and have a little left over for a pint before they leave.

9. Bathing is optional. But is it really? Should it be?

10. Be ready the next time to bring your own poetry to share. This is like AA, eventually, it will be your turn to get in front of the crowd.

"Hi, I'm John."

Crowd "Hi John"

"I am a poet. I have been writing prose for ten days now."

Crowd applauds. They know a pro when they see one. 

"Today, I will begin with- Ode to a Small Lump of Green Putty I Found in My Armpit One Midsummer Morning."

You'll knock them dead. Literally.


Have you ever had a really bad hangover, and swear you will never drink again and actually done it? Me either.

I know I will return to more and more poetry readings because I am by nature a masochist. To be fair it is not all bad, truly. There is a lot of brilliance in there. I just wish they would have those poems first, then offer a pee break. It's the little things.